Good has recently become a swear word in my vocabulary. You see I have been, since forever, trapped by the devious nature of this term. As a child my one and only mission in life was to be a good daughter, friend, girl, student, granddaughter and so on. This went on through to the adulthood and I find myself still striving for basically the same emotion. For a while now I have been feeling confined to a very small space of personal existence. Don't get me wrong, I do not feel victimized by it as I completely understand it is me who is expecting and me who tries to fulfill these expectations.
On the other hand I hate when someone thinks of me as great or excellent. Because you see, excellence brings on a lot of responsibility in a way that people start expecting more from you. As I always want to satisfy, this is a lot of pressure for me.So I try to be good to satisfy most of the people around me, but at the same time loathe excellence. And here in lies the problem; This way I keep my self in a little buffer zone where I can almost completely avoid any form of criticism or confrontation. This makes my life a bit cosier and a little less stressful, but also makes me mediocre in almost everything, often passive aggressive in my relationship (due to avoiding confrontation) and saddest of all... never really truly happy.I have realized this just recently and it makes me a bit sad. When I write this I have a feeling I am writing about a 10 year old girl, but one that is trapped at one point in time. The sad part about it is that I find myself on the brink of my thirties and not sure how to do things differently... I have decided to solve this with the George Constanza rule; just do opposite of your natural instincts. Off course I do realize this is not the ideal place either, but I fell I have to find my opposite pole in order to establish the middle path. And we all know that middle path is always the right path.DISCLAIMER: I would just like to add that this is no way a reflection on opinions or feelings of people who actually do think good (or great or bad) of me. This is an issue I hope to resolve soon and one of the perks is going to be that I will only get better at my work and to mine and everyone's bigger enjoyment. I CHERISH EVERY SINGLE COMMENT anyone writes on this blog and I love when someone enjoys my art.
