I am not happy. Yeah. Am not ashamed to say it. And you know which way I mean: that modern fairy tale where we are supposed to be balanced and have it all at the same time (apparently having it all IS being balanced). I feel something missing and have been anxious about something lately. I am trying to figure out what triggered it but haven't found it yet. Still, get this... I am more satisfied than I have been in a while. To show you exactly what I mean, here is a story from last summer: It was a hot hot hot day. I came back home, heat has entered into my body and I was panting around feeling miserable and aggravated. But then I remembered that zen-being in the now-thing, and "accepted" heat the way you do it in a sauna. I let it completely consume me. What happened then was perfect: all of a sudden I was enjoying the same heat which was torturing me just moments before. All of a sudden the heat which made me sweat while merely standing was now welcomed and I wanted it to last. It is very similar, with my "unhappiness" and anxiety. I stopped fighting them and trying to run away (both of which usually makes them come back with a vengeance) and now I am at the same time happy and unhappy. I telly you darlings, I think I am doing this grow up thing right after all.
