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One crazy chick


No, am not still hangover. What I am doing, I swear, is working on a series of drawing from last fashion week and I promise to post them (or at least some of them) once they're done.
I'd like to do a kind of a succession of drawings from ideas and sketches to a finished thing and am guessing you guys would appreciate this too.
I am trying to find somewhere in my head, something to share with you but I got nothing. So I will tell you a story of the chicken from this morning. My desk mate at the office found it hilarious so if it's not good, he is blame.
So... when am walking up to the factory where my office is, there is a few farms around. It's quite a rural area but if you mention it to people there they get offended (?!). This morning am passing next to one of the farms and there are some chickens out (there was one cock as well. Just sayin'.)
As am coming towards them they start to panic and run around, as chickens do. Most of them go the opposite way than am going and menage to go around the fence into the garden. But one wasn't as savvy. Nooo. She started running in front of me, frantically trying to find a hole in the fence to go through to reach safety of the garden where all her friends are now (and looking as they don't even notice her losing battle with sanity). But there was no hole! And every time she realises there is no hole, she panics EVEN more. By the third failure to find a hole she is just flapping her wings and running as fast as her legs can take her, probably thinking to herself, this is it, this is the end of my days.
At this point am doubled over with laughter when I notice the builders on a house looking at me in wonder. Cause they don't see the chicken. They just see me standing there and laughing my ass off. And I can't stop cause this chicken is funny.
In the end she just reached the end of the fence, ran into the garden and went all cool all of a sudden. Like "Me panicking? Never!!!".
And that's the story of my morning.

Just call me party central

 

This is how I feel today. Probably look even worse.
And yes, to answer your question, it is hangover! 
Mein gott, no more vodka gummy bears for me (don't ask. I thought they will be a hit. They were. With me!).
Oh yeah, how I got here... Well, since you asked, when I mentioned I was moving, Style on the Couch suggested, among other things, to throw a party to give thanks for the great time I had at this apartment. This really struck a chord with me, as it made a lot of sense, so I did.
I invited just a handful of people, made my favourite Algerian lamb mint balls, some pitta bread, hummus, wine, this supercoolfabulous cake (I swear, best thing ever, everybody said so, here is a link, you HAVE to try it) and the infamous vodka gummy bears. The evening was lovely, and I hope I did justice to my lovely apartment.
On that note, I found my new place. It is small but very very cute, I've been already looking at some cool Swedish space organising pieces of furniture and I have to tell you am very much looking forward to this. I feel like when I was 14 and left home for the first time. 

But for now, am off to cure my hangover. Green tea sounds really good...

P.S. Just wanted to say thank you everyone for such lovely and positive and supporting comments on my last post. You girls ROCK!

Be careful what you wish for



So am sitting here in my living room, on my lovely white couch, computer mouse resting on Vogue (Kate Moss is on the cover. What are the odds of that, ha?), and am thinking, little things in life are really the best... At times I am not sure me being able to immensely enjoy things like this is a blessing or a curse, but I have lately come to the conclusion that, like most things in life, it is both. I haven't posted nothing since Sunday, but not for the lack of drawing, so to make it up here are 2 drawings tonight. I have been practising tone work mostly plus some general sketching.
These last few days I have come to realise that I am not challenged enough in my fashion illustration. I am not competitive by nature, but if something is required of me I will always strive to do it (reasonably) well. But I am in a bit of a unique situation here: there are no peers to fit in with, there are no demands on me. I can just comfortably float as I wish. Even though this is great, it's not the most efficient career path. I need something (or someone) to push me... not to do it at all, but to go further. I need something to present a challenge... Not a mere deadline (I tend to deal with them to just fumble something up at the last minute), but... I don't know what.
What I do know that now I've said it and written it here something will definitely come up.

Nothing beats a bit of soul searching


So after the last post, anxiety and food abuse continued. All would be fine while I worked but once I caught a minute of free time, my "friends" would be back to hang out (meaning I actually did do some drawing). After a while, though, I just felt silly.
How long is this gonna go on for, I would think? I tried to figure out what the effin was going on inside, but nothing. Nada. Zilch.
Then on Friday, I just had enough and decided to do some serious soul searching. Now, you know I am usually quite introspective, but that's mostly just messing about on upper levels, your every day stuff, part of my National Procrastination Campaign. Here, I realised, there are obviously issues I managed to bypass till now and it's about time to deal with them.
So Friday afternoon, I started using every trick in the book I heard of, read about, found on the internet or just invented to dig deeper. And I found stuff. Garbage mostly, but you know how it is, garbage needs to be taken out regularly. Unfortunately am not very keen on sharing what I discovered, though maybe at some point down the road. For know I would just like to say I am not anxious any more and have stopped eating my way through the day.
Only thing is four weeks of food addiction in full swing have left me with some serious muffin top and we all know I gain four pounds every time I hear the word diet. This means it's probably gonna take 2 months to come back to where I was before, which wasn't exactly Gwyneth Paltrow territory... but then again I don't think even Gwyneth herself is there, right? Who cares, am happy, sun is shining and the girl in this post is cute as a button.

Kisses

You can always tell a lady by the way she eat in front of folks like a bird



Remember this line from gone with the wind. Mommy says it to Scarlett, at the beggining of the movie. Yeah....
I was to a friends mini party last night and there was some seriously good food there. I think I ate most of it.
It is 2 p.m. now and I am still not hungry. Yes, that much! To my defense it was great food.
Not a problem per se if I wasn't trying to bury my unsatisfaction with life with this. But then again, what a way to do it, right!?!
Still, never a lady out of me!

Change is in the air

 

As you might have already heard, I am looking for a new apartment. (just kidding about the already heard part).
About a month ago I decided to venture on my own: It is time for me to live alone.
Although I have been away from home for 15 years now (I left home to go to high school in another city), I always had some kind of roommate/flatmate/boyfriend arrangement. So in my campaign of growing up I decided to finally take this leap.
There are only two issues with this:
1. I loooooove my current apartment. It is beautiful, in a great place, has an amazing view, everything in it is new and lovely. I love my room, my big bright bathroom. I moved here right after London and after London apartment situation (you London guys know what am talking about)  it was heaven.
2. I hate moving. Seriously hate it. I moved so many times in that 15 years that it instantly induces anxiety in me (though now that anxiety I talked about the other day seems less mysterious. Oops..).

But this is all irrelevant in the end. I will just have to suck it up, produce some good energy and go and find a new place that is just as wonderful as this one AND in my price range. And I really need it to be wonderful. In London, London makes up for the suckinnes of the place. In New York, the city is so wonderful and alive it doesn't matter you basically live in a room size of a walk in closet (I was doing some research what would it take to live in NYC). Zagreb doesn't have that advantage. My apartment needs to make up for the suckiness of the whole damn country. So it needs to be seriously great.
 

Much ado about nothing

 

So here is a little detail about my life right now:
I am not happy.
Yeah. Am not ashamed to say it. And you know which way I mean: that modern fairy tale where we are supposed to be balanced and have it all at the same time (apparently having it all IS being balanced). I feel something missing and have been anxious about something lately. I am trying to figure out what triggered it but haven't found it yet. Still, get this... I am more satisfied than I have been in a while.
To show you exactly what I mean, here is a story from last summer: It was a hot hot hot day. I came back home, heat has entered into my body and I was panting around feeling miserable and aggravated. But then I remembered that zen-being in the now-thing, and "accepted" heat the way you do it in a sauna. I let it completely consume me. What happened then was perfect: all of a sudden I was enjoying the same heat which was torturing me just moments before. All of a sudden the heat which made me sweat while merely standing was now welcomed and I wanted it to last.
It is very similar, with my "unhappiness" and anxiety. I stopped fighting them and trying to run away (both of which usually makes them come back with a vengeance) and now I am at the same time happy and unhappy.
I telly you darlings, I think I am doing this grow up thing right after all.

My apologies

 

Last night I had a midnight chat with my roommate and, in between other things, told her this blog is the most important project in my life at the moment. But then I got thinking and realised for the most important thing, I dedicate a shamefully small amount of time to it lately.
So this post is my official apology to my blog: it always gave me generously in creative progress, wonderful people, space for expression and growth, and I, selfish being that I am, started to neglect it as soon as I got what I needed. Not cool! I am sorry for this and I actually promise (I hate promises, bit traumatised about it, will tell you one time) that I will again give it my best.
That's it for today. See you tomorrow lovelies.

How to lose friends and alienate people

This is the last post from my February challenge (btw not saying this as an excuse but February went so fast, I have a feeling it was about week and a half long). This challenge was given by the lovely Petra, whom I missed a chance to meet while in London thanks to scarce free WiFi  access in London (what's up with that? Not cool!!!)
There is a reason I left this one for the end, and it's not because it's the cherry on top. The thing with friendship is that unless that part of your life is in order, you can hardly be considered to have a balanced life. You can have money, you can have men, you can have success, but without friends (much like with health) it just doesn't matter.
I try to remind myself of this lately. The problem is I can't focus on something for a long time, so I fake determination by having only one thing happening in my life. This way I make sure I spend the most possible time on that one thing I am going for. At the moment this is at the expense of my friendships.
I've lost 2 friends in the last year and a half (in my defence both were long time coming) and I don't seem to be affected by either. I just keep going, every time left with less friends and without the wisdom to go and find new ones.
On one hand, though it pains me to say this and think both are lovely women, these break ups needed to happen, each for their own reason.But on the other, it's my loss. Not that I think one should have many friends just for the sake of it, but that I think that to be happy you need to keep many sides of your personality fulfilled and not only get love but give it too. Those friendships I lost, even though in many aspects dysfunctional, still meant a lot to me and still made me happy a lot of the times. Though, when I think about it, this can be applied to any relationship in life and doesn't necessarily mean they should not end.
So once again I give you a post with an open ending.
One of these days, I promise, I'll have a moral of the story.

Women without men


This is number six in the February Challenge and yes, I am aware it's March. It was posted by my dear friend Very Chic List (check out the blog, it's very cool plus has a really nice header!)
Now, I was putting off taking up on this challenge as I simply have no idea what in the God's name would I say about it. I don't want to go too deep as this is neither the time or the place. I don't want to be shallow about it either, because... what's the point then, I could have just said nothing.
I'll just touch on one little part of it I've thought about at one point. I wanted to realise what is it that defines me as a women. Am I defined as a women in comparison to a men, just like day is to night?
I know it is not by who I am attracted to? It definitely is not by the clothes I wear and like? Does my soul have sex? Do I need men? I completely accept and recognise my father's influence on my life, but apart form that what is the extent of male influence on my life? Is it just because I have an emotional connection or because they are male?
This is one of those issues where discussion is a very welcome form of thinking. I am particularly interested in what grown up women have to say about this.
I am sorry I don't have much more to offer on this subject. I have been trying for two days to write something coherent about this and it constantly seems to big to even start tackling (and my poor blog is getting lonely).
I hope the illustration makes it up a little.

P.S. I am doing a design for someone, so I have been hanging out at Chantal Thomass website, as you can tell from the illustration. :-)