Great expectations

I've been sketching a bit. Nothing specific, but I liked it so just sharing it with you.
I am loving these holidays and hope everyone's is enjoying them as much. Thanks to the last few disastrous ones I am having really low expectations of the New Years Eve, which is great as it means it will above my expectations in any case.
Lots of kisses and see you all soon.

There is no such thing as inspired

Sorry for the disappearing act. What happened is that I fell for the "no point in drawing when I am not feeling it" trick, plus been busier than usual with work stuff, plus ________ (insert excuse here). You know the drill. But no point in dwelling on it so, so am moving on. But what I hate is that once I pick up the pen and actually start working things always happen. Reminds me of that Picasso quote:

"Inspiration will come, but it has to find you working"

In other news, nothing much. Very excited about Christmas. Thinking about New Years resolutions. One that is certain is; get a more exciting life to talk about on blog (reminder to self: People are not interested in you recapping Hart of Dixie!!!). It would be only fair.
Not sure how do you go about doing this, but I'll find out. I bet if I Google it something will turn up.

Have courage to be a woman

I was at a party last night (fast report; nothing special, nice people, fairly fun night) and there was this girl who was very lovely, round my age but with a personal trait I find very problematic. I can't say I am irritated by it as I had the same problem… in high school! But I find it a big problem when a women of 30 (or maybe even more in her case) still dresses and acts like a 14 year old tomboy who tries to hide the fact she is developing breasts.
I know accepting one's sexuality and growing into your femininity isn't an easy task and that it is a lifelong process, but when I see women (/girls) like this (or men who are still boys) I just want to shout: For goodness sake, snap out of it!!! You ARE A WOMEN, not a girl. You have boobs and that's ok, so stop wearing your older brother's T-shirts.
To set the record clear, we all know about my tendency for Nike High Dunk trainers, so I am not advocating all women should dress in Roland Mouret Galaxy dress and wear exclusively 6 inch heals to make a statement of their womanhood. It is more than just clothes. It is the attitude, it is the acceptance of your sex, it is about growing up and not being afraid of who you are.
This is a huge subject and I know I can not begin to cover it plus I don't want to get overly pathetic in "celebrating" femininity. Am just getting it out there and here is a lovely very feminine drawing for every one to enjoy.

Free expression

Aaaah…. feels good.
This is one of those that just leeks out my hand. Not like I am not drawing it, but I am not quite sure where does it come from exactly. And when it's done (if it is done) I feel release.
I don't know why I feel that somehow I am talking about bodily functions, like it's all a bit TMI. I guess I'll know once the comments start coming in, right?
Anyways off to the theater tonight. Haven't been in months. Last time I went I've seen the most God awful play in the entire Universe of millions of galaxies ( trust me I am not exaggerating. I might even be kind!). So fingers crossed Croatian theater doesn't try to stick it to me again tonight.

Love at first sight

Imagine this. Lie in Saturday morning. I do what I usually do at any free time (at least lately)… browsing for clothes on line. Am mostly in the thank-you-am-just-looking mood, nothing specific, more just looking what's the situation with shoes (I made a decision to improve my shoe situation). And then it happens… Pink.Leather.Brogues. Nothing fancy but just so perfect. Just on the right side of fun and serious for me. Works with everything I have (and it works because I said so). They are smart and funny at the same time. They make me giggly right away. I instantly imagine our new happy life together. It's love at first sight… and THIS is how I imagine love should happen. If it can happen with shoes, why couldn't it with men? I know what you are going to say, but still, wouldn't it be nice if it happened like with my new pink brogues.

Sunny side up

This is what I would like to be doing now. Sitting somewhere pretty staring into the sun. Sun makes me better. Sun makes me more cheerful. And sun makes me want to be outside, and not in the office working. And this is were I am now. Soon it will be dark and I won't be able to take my sunnies and play out this drawing. So I made a drawing. Almost as good as the real thing.

Colour accents work great on grey concrete

Lately I have been right obsessed with clothes. I browse every frigging website that sells clothes I can find ( yeah, that's the 2011 version of being obsessed by clothes. No real shops for me, thank you!). I now have folders and folders of planned purchases… Who and how will it be financed, only God knows (but then again that's  It's job).
The thing is I love buying winter clothes much more than summer clothes (wonder why!?!?). Especially on years like this when bright coloured coats are all the rage, when no-one winces on combinations like this, when colour combos are pretty much "yeah, whatever you got, goes".  When I don't have to worry about trends for bare midriffs, for backless shirts that make sense only when worn without a bra (in my size this is NOT an option)…. Aaaah, wonderful winter with printed scarfs (only way I know how to work prints) and elegant leather boots, with cinnamon and mulled wine.
I even like the naked trees; they add a very graphic feel to every landscape. Also as I now live in the part of the city that boast with being great example of all the architectural flops of our communist era, I HAVE to have great clothes. I owe this to my and my fellow citizens mental health! Or at least this is what I keep telling myself while typing in my security code once again.

It's raining men

Don't judge me for the title of the post. I mean, how often do you see men on this blog? And now there are two. I think this qualifies as rain. Or at least a drizzle. Which IS a kind of rain.
But anyway, remember that salon I've been telling you about that I did drawings for. Well these are the guys I did for it. I haven't shown you the lady that will actually be there but she is stunning. Love 'er! I'll post the pics once the salon opens.
Hope you are enjoying the boys. I mostly did, although drawing them was a bit anxious for me. I was afraid I'll make them look too feminine. I know what you think: "No problem, they will just be gay men". But gay men don't go well in the south of Croatia. Or north for that matter. But this is a discussion for another time.
Anyways, gay wasn't an option. I think I managed to make them look manly- ish, if a little poncy. Still, that's good enough for me.

Lost in translation

Here is another Dolce & Gabbana. Considering my unkind words from a previous week, I sure do draw them a lot. Well, the thing is when I chose a model to draw, I am not only going for great fashion: some items are more drawable than others. There are some great great pieces that just aren't translatable into my visual language. I am not trying to sound pretentious, this is really true: my style (whatever it is) is quite blunt and doesn't stand for a lot of detail. It is expressive and often loud. It doesn't do fussy. It is clean and simple at it's best, and unfinished at worst. So when you have items with a lot of patterns that relies on a lot of details for impact, as much as I can like it, I know that there simply is no words in my language at the moment for expressing it right.
That said, I should try because otherwise how will I learn, right? Hence this lady that has movement (which I like and do) and pattern (which I don't like and almost never do). I just have a weakness for the 50's line. So romantic and sexy and feminine.
As I said not ground braking fashion, but still very lovely clothes. I'll get it on sale on Outnet.

As cool as I should be

I have this thing, and am probably not the only one (au contrarie, right!), that when I see something that's cool to me, first thoughts in my head are: Why am I not as cool as this? and I should be like this! The funny thing is that these things [I think I should be like] are so opposite in character that it would be quite impossible to be all the things I should be.
So, for example, when I see looks like this all I want to be is a willowy-180 cm tall-no breast in sight model so clothes can hang of me so lovely as she has it. When I wear things like this my shapes bulge in all the wrong places: not anatomically, but aesthetically wrong from what the designers imagined Andrej Pejic will wear well (I think you can all read my oh so subtle irony).
But you can bet, that I had the same thought process that SAME day, when I saw Salma Hayek (I SHOULD be a short Mexican woman), a fitness ad (I should work out more. I should be as cool as this lady and be able to do one armed push ups and look HAPPY as I do it).
Some would call this exhausting. I call it funny. Because the entire process is so ridiculous that even my low self esteem part of my self can't take it seriously.
So to answer the question, yeah I think new Chloe collection is cool. And off I go…

Making a difference. Maybe.

What is your honest opinion of Dolce&Gabbana? I don't presume myself to be a big fashion expert or anything, but they have a truly good collection only once in a while. True they did give some game changing looks through the years, but I have a feeling a lot of their collections are just fillers. Off course you can't expect every collection to be groundbreaking (especially with the amount of styles fashion houses are required to put out these days (by the by, this is a hell they chose for themselves, as it is mostly race for money. But I guess once you are in the big leagues, you play their way or no way). Anyways, as I was saying, fillers…. Is this a filler or a game changer? I guess we'll see once the spring rolls out and we get to see the PR machine do it's work ( do I sound a bit cynical. Probably because I am.)
While looking at it I just kept thinking: "Where are my old Burda magazines, I am sure there is a pattern for this exact dress (!?!?!?!)".
Anyways, clothes is no big deal here. Styling was quite fun though. 

Marc Jabobs says spring is gonna be pretty

Finally got some time (i.e.. managed to focus) to do the new season models. I did more than a few and I have opinions on all of them so there is one thing to look forward to.
First one is Louis Vuitton. Is it me or does the collection seem a bit… Prada-esque!?! You know, in that little bit weird way that you need a minute to get used to. It's not that you don't like it, you are just taken a back by the unusual form/ patterns/ inspiration. I mean take a look at this model, I have not exaggerated in any way: The length of the skirt, the fact it is big and voluminous in such an unusual way. Almost like a young girl wearing a suit that's been passed down from someone else (who was a bit taller maybe). But she has attitude. Or maybe I just see attitude in them.
I love the entire collection, I have to tell you. It is different, it is wearable, and it is so beautiful.  But for now only this girl gets to get drawn, as there are many other very talented designers to swoon over.

P.S. Just one thing, not related to the above: having a cold sucks! Just wanted to moan on a larger scale than just people next to me.

Ambienta couple

I have to say today was a lot of fun. Side note: remind me from time to time I like to work in big formats.
Anyway, where was I. Yes, about a month or so ago a friend of mine who works for this very cute little interior design magazine tells me they are having a stand on a (reasonably) well known furniture and design fair and would I like to make an illustration on one of the walls. Well off course I would, I say. I made a few options and I have to say the girl had shorts on (being spot on trend, wink wink) and the guy was dressed much better. But as we live where we do, they suggested to go with something more informal, something more people who come there can relate to, and this is the finished product. I have to say I am quite please with the end result, and I think the builders opposite us were too. So that's one yes right there!
An by the by, I love seeing my drawings this big. Do you think it's some grandeur tendencies or is it still too early to analyze?
P.S. The one in the end is the drawing how I imagined it

Let's get physical

 So, don't think I've mentioned this but I have been on a bit of a fitness kick lately (hence my disappearing act on this blog: am a total ADD type sometimes, like I have enough focus in me for one thing only, and that's what's gonna get done. Am rolling eyes at MYSELF!). I have always liked being active, and doing things, but this is like, I log kilometers, the more it hurts in the gym the more I like it kinda stuff. To be honest it seems to me it has a lot to do with my recent 30th birthday. Unlike some of my friends, I have no issues with it, but I did suddenly get an urge to be fit like an active 15 year old. It has the element of fear of aging in the background.
Anyways, am totally into it and this is how I most enjoy spending my days now. I do want it to last but I also would like to learn how to incorporate 2 (or God forbid 3) things in my life successfully. I mean there must be a healthier way to focus than obsessing, right!?!?

P.S. Obviously, I am not imagining this to be my thighs, but give me 3 or 4 years and who know. Crazier things have happened!

The one in which I re-realize that I prefer imperfect

I am working on these couple of illustrations for a small hair salon, and this is one of the girls that didn't make it. But I love her. There is this thing where I still prefer drawings I've done on paper to the digital ones. Not sure why… I think it might have something to do with the versatility and randomness and lack of control. Even though the technique is the same, when I work on my computer I can endlessly go back and forth until I get it just the way I want it. But, when working on paper it is a collaboration of me and chance. Much more imperfect and somehow much better… but then again we've been here so not gonna go into that discussion again. Anyways, enjoy the lines of the girl.

Calling the Congregation to Worship

The Spirit is Calling

To you, O people, Wisdom calls...
Wisdom was at the beginning, with God.
To you, O people, Wisdom calls...
Wisdom called throughout the ages, calling to all creation.
To you, O people, Wisdom calls...
Wisdom beckons even now.
To you, O people, Wisdom calls...
{Copyright Katherine Hawker, 1995.}

Holy God of wind and fire;
Dance through this room today.
Holy God of earthquakes and illness;
Share our tears of sadness and pain.
Holy God of creation and new beginnings;
Show us again your vision of healing and wholeness. {Copyright Katherine Hawker, 1995.}

The Word of God is planted in our hearts.
May our hearts be receptive to the Word.
The Love of God rains down on us.
May our souls soak in the wonder of God’s love.
The Breathe of Godde blows softly within us.
May our minds be stirred by the power of God’s spirit.
{Copyright Katherine Hawker, 2001.}

Come to hear the Word.
Come to do the Word.
Come to experience Comfort.
Come to experience Challenge.
Come to find Cost.
Come to find Joy.
Come to find Humanity.
Come to find Community.
Come to find Church.
Come to find God.
{Copyright Katherine Hawker, 2001.}
In the beginning
When God created the heavens and the earth
When the breath of God moved over the face of the waters
There was evening
There was morning
There was light
In the beginning God created
Let us worship God. Paraphrase of Genesis 1:1. Copyright Katherine Hawker, 1997.

For God so loved the world;
The sparrows, the mountain lions,
the fish and the people.
For God so loved the world;
In success and failure,
in sickness and health,
in mediocrity and extraordinary.
For God so loved the world;
Enough to become one of us,
enough to suffer along with us,
enough to offer new life for us.
For God so loved the world;
Let us worship God! {Copyright Katherine Hawker, 1997.}
From God comes the wonder of creation.
We will worship God the Creator.
From God comes healing for the brokenness we see.
We will worship God our Redeemer.
From God comes the strength to face the new day.
We worship God our Sustainer. Paraphrase of Genesis 1:1. Copyright Katherine Hawker, 1997.

Money makes the world go around ?!?

Money is not what drives me. Me and money have a quirky kind of relationship where I play cool and go all " Who needs ya' " and money goes "Wasn't planning on sticking around anyway!" and I am all like " Fine!! ", and money is like " Whatever! " and around we go. But honestly although I do like money in that it gives me certain freedom to do what I want in life, I don't believe it should be a big factor in my decisions.
That said… I am feeling a little bummed out about money at the moment. Most of the world is either in deep shit or heading there, and Croatia is very much near the bottom of that pool. And on top of that I am developing a wonderful career which isn't cashing in just yet. And before anyone starts jumping in with don't worry it's going to happen, let me just say I know, but it is still getting me down. And it has a lot to do with living here: I earned almost the same amount of money in London and lived better. I am not even sure how (as most of you know the price of rent is London is ridiculous), but it's true. I could go out more, buy more clothes, eat better food (Only free range and organic, thank you!). At the moment I have a feeling I only work to be able to live here… and it's not much of a place to be to be honest. It s.u.c.k.s.! Off course I know that there are people who have it worse (heck I was one of them while unemployed) but still… it's just bumming me out, that's all.

p.s. Please don't judge the girl in the drawing. She is no shopaholic, it's just a drawing I made for something else and didn't use.

Fashion week love

When fashion weeks come it is truly the time of joy.
Mostly. And a bit of anxiety. Every season I go to (I have been doing this since 2003) and I get something similar to a mini panic attack: all those new pretty things come in and I want to see them now now now… or possibly even sooner. I want to see the details, the accessories, the backstage shots, the front row. I open multiple tabs, multiple windows and organise pics on my computer to folder according to designer and season ( I think this is like the peek of my organising skills)
This year, it has come to that I am delaying even taking a peek. Cause I know I will be consumed.
But my curiosity will get the better of me, and I will go and take a look and become greedy, and it will go on.
Still, I have a feeling it is nothing to the stress people who go there feel.

On the other note, a completely unrelated drawing of a girl I think is a green goddess. I bet this one is a vegetarian. 

Few thoughts

I have a funny one today.

So, last two weeks I have been spending in my home town. It is a small town with long tradition which people then use justify delusions about their own self worth, but that is probably besides the point now. What I wanna talk about is this…

There are about three thoughts/ ideas that go around and that people repeat as their own beliefs. I swear people don't even change the words: they repeat the exact same sentences. And they are the same ones that were going around when I was younger and living here.
These are ideas on how a certain place/ people/ experience is.
I mean this happens on a larger scale in bigger cities as well (I am not implying that my hometown is different than aaaany other), it's just than on such a small scale it's very easy to notice a pattern. And I am stunned, really stunned by this: I simply cannot believe that a normal, intelligent, educated person can accept this without rethinking it. People can accept an idea like "French are such and such" without asking themselves: Wait, how do I know they are such? I have never met a french person or been in Francemore than three days? Even if I did meet one, how can I say they are all a certain way? Or how do I know that a person whose "idea" I have accepted is objective?
How? How do people not question "facts" they are served?
And even if I take in account the fact people like to seam knowledgable and worldly, but are lazy, so go for anything that comes by… Still, I am confused by this… AND yes, I know I tend to over think, so NO, I DON'T think all people should be like me. But how… why… or better yet why?
And, this is so great, if some people from there even read this, they will probably think "Oh yeah, there are people like this here, but luckily I am not." This is perfect.

Home is where the inspiration is?

Looks like spring in my head, right?.
Btw, didn't mentioned it but where I am it's still summer. Like between 25°C and 30°C! Longest summer in a long long time. Last time I had a summer this long was when I was in Australia for a big part of the winter so basically had 9 months of spring and summer. Those were the days!
And yes I probably am trying to console myself with this, as there is a fashion week month happening and am quite jealous.
It touches on an important subject for me. Does it make a difference that I live out of the loop?
On one hand I can do all my work online but on the other, I sometimes feel that my artistic development is a bit  hindered by this. Zagreb is not a small city, but not a big one either. In illustration terms I might as well be living in Madagascar.
For me neither Croatia nor Zagreb doesn't offer much (read: nothing) in this area…. I mean there isn't a decent paper shop here ( I am NOT kidding: it's not that you can't get it at all, but it definitely will not be easy and will be much more expensive than what you'd pay elsewhere).
Now, I know a few people who do illustration in Zagreb and are doing fine (though no one who does fashion), and I definitely don't want to use this as an excuse, but I just feel like maybe this is not the best environment for my growth. I am not very rebellious and can easily become inert so I thrive in an active surroundings.
Hm… this is what I've been pondering on. Only thing is that I don't want to be one foe those people who blame others for their problems. I can't seem to find that thin line… the one that tells me I am trying to eschew the problem by leaving or that I am just realising that not every place is good for everything.

Also… last post had a pretty big response. Seems a lot of you guys found themselves in this. It is a tricky one, specially as it really doesn't have an answer or a solution in the end. Only thing anyone can do, it seems, is just keep trying.

Just enough or too much?

You might have noticed I wasn't around lately (again).
That's because I was trying to have a life.
I just can't seem to get the hold of this: I either work or play. If I do make it and have both, it's usually for about 3 days.
How do other people do it... because I swear I can't?!?!
I have a job, illustration (which includes both this blog and increasing number of illustrating jobs) and social life. Usually what I cut first when am short on time is social life. But then I don't have a life to write about on my blog (and I swear I CAN NOT, for the life of me, write how I have no life to speak of AGAIN). So I went and got myself some life.... but when I do this I don't do as much work as I'd like to (or need to, for that matter!). There just doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day. Again, how do other people do it? I know I could be a bit more organized, but I swear I don't procrastinate.... much. I mean you know, I am not Miss Efficiency or nothing like that, but I do do as much as I can fit in the day.
Plus, oh yeah I forgot to mention that, I started running like a month or so ago ( actually back in May, but on and off) so that takes at least an hour ( I mean to get there, do it come back have a shower.... running itself takes about 20 minutes at this point).

So my question is this: how do people do this? How do they have a life, work, play, workout? And I don't mean just going through the motions, I mean like a fulfilling dedicated life... or am I expecting too much?

Weighty issues

I'd like to touch on a subject I avoided up until now, mostly cause I think it is given way too much importance in our culture.
The issue of weight.
Anyone who knows me knows I had my fair amount of dieting and obsessing about food. I won't bore you with my realizations but I would like to comment on a few things.
There is such an imbalance of attitudes toward female weight in the media that it makes it real hard to be and stay normal on this subject on a personal level. What I found infuriating is that whichever way you go you are somehow wrong. If you' re slim you are automatically called a stick thin anorexic, if you are big you are a fat lazy cow, and if you are in the middle you are not good enough because you are obviously not trying enough to be better (read thinner).
Now I do think that due to the cultural changes in eating, some people are overweight beyond the question if it is pretty or not. They are in the land of will they'll get diabetes or not. So for instance even though I think it is cool how Beth Ditto dresses and rocks, I think she should definitely lose some weight and give her heart and her knees a fighting chance.
But there is another fucked up issue in all of this: even though I am a firm believer in individual responsibility (not only in this, but in all wakes of life), the society is now set up so, that it becomes a real fight to eat normal (or even know what's normal). This is especially the case in the UK. There, first of all, food is everywhere: you can't have a cup of coffee in the park without being offered a giant ass muffin. Now, it's not a problem to say no: the problem is that after a while you start to put this in the same group in your head, and all of a sudden buying coffee equals food as well. This is just one example of how consumer society "enables" over-eating and then at the same time scolds you for eating too much and not being slender. 
I am guessing US is even worse with their tendency to super size every-friggin-thing.
On the other hand, standards of what is slim have changed and are very unrealistic: it's not enough to only be of YOUR ideal weight, you are supposed to strive for a certain number. Not only to look better, but to be a "better" person: more successful, more attractive and hell, just to be able to wear the clothes you like (don't even get me started on this).
This all is a labyrinth of society facts that can make even the healthiest of people confused with should's and should not's. I don't have an answer or even a conclusion on this subject, but I do think we live in an unhealthy culture which, btw, we ourselves perpetuate and allow to manipulate us.


Do you know what I've been thinking about a lot lately?
My flaws. About all the way's am a fuck up. (Yeah, swearing a lot is one of them for some people. It's not for me.)
Now before the self-help author in you jumps out, listen to what I have to say. My whole life I have been either running away from my failings, been ashamed of them or fighting them in a war that's been mostly lots of lost battles on both sides. Lately, as I started to feel a bit more secure with myself and what/who I am, they stopped looking so scary. All of a sudden the fact I am very imperfect (imagine!) and those particular imperfections started to feel…well, like it is not the end of the world.
I have realized, and survived might I add, that I easily become smug and complacent, that I tend to stay in any state as long as it's comfortable, that I DO have a narcissistic side, that until recently I have played victim for most of my life (and still occasionally indulge in it), I am greedy, I lack both patience and compassion in all things I myself haven't encountered (or have, but long time ago). Also I look at most things as all or nothing (mostly nothing) and have a defeatist attitude on everything that is not a sure win (and most things aren't). I wait for things to come to me (as they should, my inner narcissus tells me so) and will make a first step only when there is NO other option (and this is rarely, as you can always run away)… God when I list it like this, I am surprised I ever achieved anything.
Never the less, this is so and it's not even the full list, and you know what I am mostly okay with it. Not in a fuck it-no-point-in-changing-now way, but in a am-working-on-it-but-it-might-take-some-time way.

In which I crave some ugliness

"Life bends joy and pain, beauty and ugliness, in such a way that no one may isolate them."
-Jean Toomer

Do you ever go to Dress Code High Fashion ( former Boheme Noir)?
I love the posts on that blog: they are like fashion education**.
Well today I saw a post on Alexander McQueen's  S/S 2001 "Voss" collection there. It reminded me of the brutal beauty he was a genius at and how I miss a bit of "ugliness" in both my work and things I look at. I am a lover of beauty (bit on the obsessed side) but this can sometimes lead to overuse leading to a feeling similar to when you overdo sugar: all the loveliness starts to blend together in a kind of a pastel, sweet paste, that is more pain than pleasure upon consuming it.
So I got a craving for ugliness: am not sure how successful I was, but I loved that this girl at least isn't overly pretty. She has angular lines and shadows where they shouldn't be any, mouth that are a tad too big and a bow that is not even close to the cute bracket it usually comes from. So I like her.

** They remind me of high school  when I used to study subjects like History of fashion. We would learn about dresses in 16 th.century or designers like Elsa Schiaparelli, about runway shows that changed the way we look forever. This is very important, I feel, for anyone seriously interested in fashion, so one can get a bigger picture of the styles and how repetitive and at the same time original fashion is. Her blog is like a wonderful fashion archive where you can see next season styles and Chanel ads from 1989 until today. Where does she gets some of those pics I have no idea, but if you hadn't yet you should definitely check it. 

Are you fucking kidding me!?!?

This drawing started as something completely different but earlier today something happened that urged me to put the girl in this pose and write on the left side: Are you fucking kidding me!?!?! I decided to remove it as it kinda took attention from the girl (and you know how I don't like that).
Anyway what happened? Well, someone whose business it SO isn't, decided to offer their opinion on my relationship status and offer a solution. I graciously declined, but this didn't really go through.  Now am in a bit of pickle as I can't react as I would like and say exactly how I feel about him or his opinion, so am venting here. And just to clarify, I am not too sensitive about this issue, being single for a while I got used to people sticking their nose where it doesn't belong…I tell you, one of these days, am so gonna snap and ask back: "So how does it feel to be in a doomed relationship with a man/woman you clearly can't stand/ don't love/ is gay/ cheats on you/ you cheat on/ is a retard?" Cause mostly people in these kind of relationships offer their condolences on my single status. I mean if I was in a situation like this I would just keep my mouth shut and pray to dear God nobody starts the subject.

gee.. it does feel good to vent. On the bright side, don't you just love this laser cut Christopher Kane leather clutch. It comes in a few colors, all of them bright and neon and I would so rock each of them.

New horizons

Am back from my holiday. Weeee! Have to say I feel really good.

I feel a bit uninspired to write, not for the lack of things going on, more cause I am not sure how to process the data and which ones I feel comfortable letting out. I actually feel I could let it all out which is a BIT suspicious. Like, maybe I should call my supervisor just to check, if-ya-know-what-I-mean.

Now about the drawing. Are you as confused as I am? Lately I started to make illustrations which I don't completely understand. Like my style and visual language have been growing somewhere behind my back and are just using me to materialise. As if they have been developing and know how to tell the story and have given up on checking with me what I think. Like they just had enough of my procrastination, over thinking and lack of time and are going above my head to express themselves.

And you know what… I salute them. Fuck me! I could apparently wait forever for everything to be "perfect" and "right". I say you go get em and feel free to leave me out. And knowing me I'll probably catch on once I realise I have no choice. Am just a bit slow, that's all.

Shall we say unfulfilled

Well, as I said if magazine pitch passed or not, at least i'll have something to post on my busy days. This one is completely random I guess and pretty much has nothing to do with anything.

This week is as busy as the previous two plus I have decided to include social life back into the schedule (purely for mental health reasons). Which basically means I go to work around 7 in the morning and come back around 6 (good days) or 7 (usually) and then have one drink with one friend, go home early and fall asleep tipsy of wine… This off course makes me feel very, shall we say, unfulfilled.

Anyway about the drawing: it's for an article on pitfalls of shopping. Magazine is very fashiony so I wanted to have such a feel about the illustration. Off course I super enjoyed doing these even though I was doing them after 10 hour days well into the midnight…. FOR F*** SAKE it would be nice if every once in a while I had something else to talk about except  work!!!( and eczema doesn't count).
I am bored of putting those words on (Office Word) paper.
The other day a friend and I reminisced about the past and she mentioned how she went to see a movie with my then boyfriend. And then she asked how come you weren't with us?
"I probably didn't have time"- I answered, because even though it was 8 years ago and I have no idea what time of year was it or what day it was, 99% that this was the reason for not going.

Back to black

Dear, dear Amy. I was so sad when I heard she passed away.
I kind of hoped she'll do a Drew Barrymore and one day just be this happy, productive person, some kind of more talented version of Corrine Bailey Rae (not that Corrine isn't talented, it's just that Amy's voice was otherworldly, she is one of those rare talents you see only few times in a hundred years), you know just this sensitive, talented, working artist with inner strength.
First thing I thought, when I heard the news, was I can't believe we won't hear any more Amy Winehouse songs… though I hope there are some recorded somewhere and, like 2Pac's, are gonna keep surfacing for years to come. She gave a soundtrack to a few years of our lives, everybody, regardless of music taste, loved her. Her music was tasteful, original and smart: anyone who ever, rightfully or not, dramatised their love life could connect with both her lyrics and her voice.
Well I drew Amy. First one is from her video "Love is a losing game" which is, strangely, done as she is already dead: all put together from previously recorded material, with her face in slow motion, all in black and white and a mournful feeling to it… Just so, so sad. The other one is just a pic that I had on my computer, that I just kind of liked as she had a healthy feeling to her.

Heaven can wait

So today, pen in my hand I decide to draw something. No idea where am going or what I wanna do.
This is what I came up with.
I have no idea what it means but have a distinct feeling it's important.
Than I animated it. It's just a sketch of an animation, I wanted to avoid a nervous breakdown at any cost having already had one on Monday morning.
Doesn't suck.


p.s. Song is Heaven can wait by Charlotte Gainsbourg... Hence the title.

Apple breakdown

I think I haven't mentioned this but I got me a new computer about month and a half ago. Happy news, I know, until I tell you about the ensuing nervous breakdown I had this weekend.
So.. I got me a MacBook Pro, thinking to myself it's either worth the money or not, either way it's supposedly good and most important of all, oh so pretty (I had pretty much all Apple products at one point or another, except I pad which is (still) on my wish list). So I fork out some MAJOR money and go for it.
Flash forward month and a half later and it's battery died! You can imagine my frustration and disappointment. In the middle of redesign at work, with a deadline for the printers at no Monday and my "monster" of a computer works about as fast as a pocket calculator and only when it's plugged in.
Monday morning I call the official reseller in Croatia to get it fixed and they are not really interested. They tell me in robot voice: Ma'am, there is an official protocol we need to follow and maybe (and maybe not) I could get it back in about two weeks. Of course am livid (and shouting at this point): TWO WEEKS! I HAVE A JOB ( and not  to mention a blog)!!! AM NOT SOME 12 YEAR OLD WHO GOT IT CAUSE OF THE COOL FEATURES PHOTO BOOTH HAS!
Off course they didn't like me shouting at them but I didn't like them selling me a 3000 € computer for it to die after month and a half.
In the end I will take it to another company, as they were at least understanding to my problem. And mostly this is what I, as a costumer wanted, someone telling me they know it sucks this happened and that they will do their best to fix it as soon as possible. That's it.
Am off now, have to find someone who knows Steve Jobs to complain to him directly about the company that sells Apple in Croatia.
This is probably where 6 degrees of separation will come in handy, no!?!?

Busy bee

I have been insanely busy for the last 5 days. And I promise am not overreacting or just  finding an excuse not to draw more. And surprise surprise, am not even complaining. Wink wink!
I have been doing some great stuff. At work we are in the middle of redesign of a product, so there is a lot of team work, lot of ideas are thrown around and it's all around fun (though I have used an expression "Adobe Monkey" once or twice) . So I've been working on that over the weekend too. Also I've been working on two drawings for a magazine pitch, and I should really finish them as soon as possible. If they don't pass I figure I'll just write posts around them as both are familiar subjects: dwindling sexual life in long term relationships and overspending. I figure I'll scratch something up for them, even though obviously I never had trouble with either. Wink wink!!!
This lovely you see up is from 2 months ago but she somehow dodged the bullet on being published. I love the dress and I have finally started to see it around the red carpet circuit. And on someone cool, just can't remember who. Girls these days having such diverse styles and all, wink wink!!

Commission(ed) heaven

Two good news today:
1.There will be no mention of eczema or any related subject
2. You get to see what I did for Veronika's new website.

I have to say this was absolutely a dream commission. Veronika gave me a direction and complete freedom in interpreting it. That way I haven't felt confined by someone else's vision (which inevitably happens, in bigger or smaller amounts, when you need to materialize someone's ideas) but I could still avoid anxiousness of imagining something completely new for someone (here I am always worried if I am in the same "feeling" as them, did I understand it right, will I get inspired enough etc.)
Well I have to tell you I did this one right. I mean I had brainstorming, I had sketches, I had versions of work, I had evolution of my vision, I went totally pro. And I loved every minute of it. And to think this could be life… I could totally do this for a living!
What you can see here is just two drawings, as it is a bit much to show the complete process in one post and a bit self indulgent to do over few posts... plus they are two big to scan on my mini scanner and I don't have a decent camera (I only have the final one cause Veronika made the pics). But I think you can get the idea.There are two final ones, you can see them both on Veronika's blog. Do let me know what do you think and if you like them.

Insignificant others

If there is hell I think it most definitely features bureaucracy in it's one of it's circles. Quite possible the last one.

I went to the dermatology ward at the hospital today to get tested so they can tell me what exactly is happening. What I got is that I have been shouted at by three different nurses for being so stupid as not to know the protocol, sent to three different rooms, seen by a doctor for about 27 second after which he told me "it's probably an allergic reaction" (glad he went to school for that!!!) and got sent to another room were they gave me an appointment for allergy tests in month and a half! 
I said:" But it itches and I can't sleep!". 
Nurse replied:"This is the skin disease ward. It itches everyone here." 
Which is probably true to be honest.
Frustration doesn't begin to describe what I felt.
The worst part is that nobody cares, they don't even want to think about it. I have two options now: either pay a lot of money and go private or try and find a "connection" at the hospital to get myself properly looked at. For those of you who don't know, this is the Croatian way of doing things. If you need something done you need to know someone in the company, be it a hospital, police, government… pretty much anywhere. It doesn't have to be high up, a janitor will do. And at the moment I have such resistance to this idea. It just seems completely ludicrous: I realise that those people see a lot of patients every day and not everyone can be given the maximum attention, but I mean you at least need to try. Or just be nice: like it's not enough I just get sent from one room to another, I have to be shouted at as well!?!

Phew... feel a bit better now though.

p.s. I hope this is it for the rant portion of the month! :-)

Thank you

Well first of all. HELLOOOO!  I am so happy to see everyone.
I was away for a whole month and I miss you guys so much and I miss this blog.
Just to let you know, I wasn't completely useless all this time. I had two commissions, one of which you will hear about soon enough as it was simply heaven to do, I did a banner for a fellow blogger and made my new web site.
Then I was on holidays for a few days on Croatian island Vis, which was heaven. I'll write about it as well. I kinda have to as I've been very strict on Croatia so it's only fair to show the pretty part too.
But, about two weeks ago I developed this itch on my feet and it turns out I have an eczema. So now I would now like to say thank you to my eczema as it was very nice to me. It provided many things for me: I got to skip gym and my runs (which btw I very much enjoyed, but obviously needed something to come between us). I got to be nervous as much as I wanted as I couldn't sleep properly because of all the itching. It also gave me an excuse not to draw as it made me pretty miserable and we all know there is no point in drawing when you are miserable. It provided a great common ground for me and my mother as this is where she thrives: she likes to worry and this is how she shows love. This time it didn't irritate me but it actually made me feel safe. It also made me go to the doctor which I usually do only if bleeding heavily (small amounts don't count) which I was due for some time now for a check up. 
So my dear eczema thank you, you have been very kind to me. You can go now!

If btw, you are wondering if I am being ironic, I am not. I honestly feel there is a purpose to everything and I chose this for a reason. But to be honest am still not sure what it is! I hope I find out soon though as I miss my lovely healthy feet. I am going for some test tomorrow so… fingers crossed the health system treats me kindly!
See you real soon lovelies. 

Art(ist) that inspires me

Am gonna start with the easy one. Mostly because I have a drawing for it.
This is a challenge posted by my dear friend Diane aka Very Chic List.

One of my favourite artists ever is Egon Schiele. At that time I was drawing a lot. It was hot and humid time, as only London summers can get.
I discovered as there was an exhibition which included his works at the Welcome collection, on Euston road, where I would pass on my way to work.
His work was instantly hypnotising: it is twisted and heavy but strangely attractive.
Schiele was a marvellous and skilled artist: he left an enormous body of work, specially considering he died when he was only 28. Since the age of 16, when he decided to be a painter, he worked tirelessly like only egotist and narcissist can, to the day he died (Spanish influenza).
A lot of his work was, at a time, considered (and some would be even now) pornographic. He certainly wasn't shy of full frontal vagina (or penis for that matter. Specially his.).
What I love about his work is strong expressive lines, use of colour and above all, genius composition. He was completely liberated and owned every inch of paper. Now I don't want to hold an art history class here so am gonna stop, but do check him out when you can (and keep an open mind: I never said he wasn't bit on the perverse side).
My drawing you see here is just a little sketch that somehow survived all that time and space (specially when you know my love of travelling light). It's off course not even near his drawing genius but it is directly influenced by him.

How I love to draw

I drew this lady and was looking at her and I just thought to myself how much I love to draw. You know those designer typography freaks who love letters? Well am the same, just with lines. I tell you, sometimes there is a line so perfect I keep an entire paper just because of it ( and you know how I love to recycle).
So I'd like to give you a quote from a famous 18 century Chinese painter, Hokusai, which I think is the most perfect and accurate thing ever said on painting and drawing (there is also one Matisse saying but I don't have it on me now). I am curious what will the drawing ones among you think, but I think people who don't will appreciate it as well:
From around the age of six, I had the habit of sketching from life. I became an artist, and from fifty on began producing works that won some reputation, but nothing I did before the age of seventy was worthy of attention. At seventy-three, I began to grasp the structures of birds and beasts, insects and fish, and of the way plants grow. If I go on trying, I will surely understand them still better by the time I am eighty-six, so that by ninety I will have penetrated to their essential nature. At one hundred, I may well have a positively divine understanding of them, while at one hundred and thirty, forty, or more I will have reached the stage where every dot and every stroke I paint will be alive. May Heaven, that grants long life, give me the chance to prove that this is no lie.

Tell me what to do

As you might have noticed am a bit strapped for words lately. Nothing serious but a bit annoying.
So I thought the best way to deal with it would be a new series of challenge me posts. Yap.
There are two weeks left in May and I think 10 posts is a realistic expectation. So I'd like to ask you lovelies, both girls and boys, to challenge me by giving me "assignments". So if you have and idea please write it into comments and first 10 are going to be my posts for the rest of the month.
I loved how the February challenge went, it really pushed me out f my comfort zone of writing only about things I feel at the moment. I think I grow so so so much more in this way .
So knock yourself out, am all yours. :-)

p.s. Sorry for the uninspired drawing. It'll get better I promise.

The one where I admit I was wrong

I am reading Jane Eyre.
Yes, my judgemental prejudiced head decided to give it a go before the film comes out (two words: Michael. Fassbender.) and, as usual, proved me wrong.
Charlotte Bronte is such a great, skilled writer that when I read her I go into complete feminist you-go-girl mode. I love the way she paints the characters, her psychological observations and the wonderful flawed Jane. I love how the writer never idealises her nor anyone else in the book and this makes everyone so beautifully fragile and sympathetic.
I almost don't want to see the film now, if it were not for the two words mentioned above.
So now I officially admit that I was wrong to look down on romanticism.
Well... live and learn, right!?!

Afternoon quckie

Just a 5 minute sketch. Am done with work and waiting for my ride home.
It is basically a skinny version of what I wear.

And yes I wear this colours together. :-)

Acts of kindness and love are never forgotten

There is a girl... or better a woman, who used to be my friend for many many years. It is not the case anymore, as we have grown apart. I can't say I have the same admiration or love for her as I used to and it is probably the case the other way around.
But there is something she did I will never ever forget or be any less thankful for it till the end of my days. For my sixteenth or seventeenth birthday she gave me a notebook filled with wonderful quotes and messages of love and respect for me. It didn't cost money: but in time and patience it was worth millions. Here I was, a fragile (if happy) and insecure teenager, with an entire notebook of love dedicated to me. You can not imagine how wonderful this felt, and in times where I felt my lowest I would think; " It can't be that bad, there it is in the notebook, black on white, saying I am special!"
The point I am trying to make, I guess, is that kindness and love never ever go to waste.
And I am not talking about just your everyday being nice and civil to people, I am talking about active acts of love. I am not saying this will return to you in any way, or that you might be happier for it or that world will be a better place. All this might or might not happen. But you will definitely change someones life, even if that person doesn't know it than.


I have nothing to write. Seriously. Nothing!

I refuse to moan.

I am too superstitious to write about the good stuff.

A few things worry me but this is my hobby

The serious stuff are not for sharing.

The fluff is only fluff and why waste time on it.

So today nothing. Nada. Zilch. Zero.

Btw I think this is a wounded tiger in the pic. But tiger none the less.