Good has recently become a swear word in my vocabulary. You see I have been, since forever, trapped by the devious nature of this term. As a child my one and only mission in life was to be a good daughter, friend, girl, student, granddaughter and so on. This went on through to the adulthood and I find myself still striving for basically the same emotion. For a while now I have been feeling confined to a very small space of personal existence. Don't get me wrong, I do not feel victimized by it as I completely understand it is me who is expecting and me who tries to fulfill these expectations.
On the other hand I hate when someone thinks of me as great or excellent. Because you see, excellence brings on a lot of responsibility in a way that people start expecting more from you. As I always want to satisfy, this is a lot of pressure for me.So I try to be good to satisfy most of the people around me, but at the same time loathe excellence. And here in lies the problem; This way I keep my self in a little buffer zone where I can almost completely avoid any form of criticism or confrontation. This makes my life a bit cosier and a little less stressful, but also makes me mediocre in almost everything, often passive aggressive in my relationship (due to avoiding confrontation) and saddest of all... never really truly happy.
I have realized this just recently and it makes me a bit sad. When I write this I have a feeling I am writing about a 10 year old girl, but one that is trapped at one point in time. The sad part about it is that I find myself on the brink of my thirties and not sure how to do things differently...
I have decided to solve this with the George Constanza rule; just do opposite of your natural instincts. Off course I do realize this is not the ideal place either, but I fell I have to find my opposite pole in order to establish the middle path. And we all know that middle path is always the right path.
DISCLAIMER: I would just like to add that this is no way a reflection on opinions or feelings of people who actually do think good (or great or bad) of me. This is an issue I hope to resolve soon and one of the perks is going to be that I will only get better at my work and to mine and everyone's bigger enjoyment. I CHERISH EVERY SINGLE COMMENT anyone writes on this blog and I love when someone enjoys my art.
